Maybe they’re my disciples, or my kinfolk, or perhaps just hangers-on. In the unlikely event that by the time of my death I have not become the leader of a people, please find those who love me best. When my body is prepared to my satisfaction, gather my people around it to weep and mourn and say their farewells. Actually, just do the Conan thing either way. I wouldn’t be mad if you still did the Conan thing, though. However, if my body has expired in a peaceful, dignified state of repose, just leave it that way, because I guess I’ll settle for that. If any girls died with me, put them up against my leg so it looks like they’re adoring me. Actually, you know what? Let’s go for a Conan The Barbarian thing, with me on a throne, brooding, maybe a sword in my hand. Or, if I’ve recently done something pretty bad, you could pose me on my knees and make it look like I died praying, because that will probably score me some points. Maybe you can make it look like I died working the fruitless, red clay earth with my scarred and calloused hands, because then my family will think that I worked myself to death and they’ll feel bad that they made me get a job. If my body is in any undesirable or unsavory position, such a nude on swingset or cowardly fetal pose plus grotesque rictus of terror, please dress me as necessary and snap me into a pose that will reflect well upon me. It’s worse than it sounds (the curse, not the movie). For details of my curse, please refer to Appendix B, “My Curse,” or to the film “Thinner,” which is about a fat man who becomes really thin. In the event that I have died and this document can’t be found, please refer to Appendix A of this document, “What to Do if This Document Can’t Be Found.” Otherwise, read on, and follow these directions carefully or risk shaming my memory or awakening my curse. I have prepared this document to settle my affairs in the case of my death, and I’m sure glad I did, because it is now apparent that I have died.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |